Making meaning out of personal experience- a Trainee Counselling Psychologist's journey
Hello everyone and welcome to our next blog entry. Today we are hearing from Ave Kotze, Trainee Counselling Psychologist. Ave writes about her journey and the very many moments she questioned herself and her life choices, wondering if she was pursuing the right path. She also shares her personal experiences of being a Trainee in a country previously unknown to her, and a place where she had to learn and adapt to ways of working and learning she was unfamiliar with. Every trainee has walked a path to understand themselves better, and this reflects in their clinical work and beyond. Ave offers us a glimpse into her personal meaning making and we hope you will find it inspirational.
I was born and raised in a very small village in a very small country named Estonia. For the majority of my childhood I was an only child, raised by a single mother. My parents separated when I was 6 months old. My earlier memories include longing for my sister and brother whom I didn’t see enough of, and a father whose love seemed to be very conditional. As I got older, I was reunited with my siblings. While a time of joy, I also had to learn to share my mom, a task that turned out to have a greater impact on me than I initially thought. I developed a slight stance towards perfectionism and striving to achieve more and more to get the praise I felt I did not receive enough of. I am sharing this as this striving for praise, acknowledgment and acceptance to this day keeps tripping me up every now and then.
I had A’s and B’s in my Primary School report card and many dreams for a potential career. I was always good with languages and got an A in my English language exam. Little did I know, knowing a language was more than just the vocabulary! My first meeting with a Liverpudlian was an amusing experience indeed! Sorry, got side tracked, back to the story… Shortly before I finished Primary School, which in Estonia is 9 years and finishes when one turns 16, I met a man who took my life path on a different direction to where I thought I was heading. I completed GCSE equivalent education as a mature student, but the idea of any further degree study was completely out of my reach by then, both financially and logistically as a young mum.
Fast forward some years, I found myself a single mum to two beautiful boys by the age of 22. With no job prospects and no real outlook, with a heavy heart and a very supportive mum, I left my children in her care and came to the UK for some seasonal work in 2004. It was the hardest decision I have had to make in my life, but I knew it was a necessary step I had to take to be able to create the future for my children.
I worked long hours in conditions I can only hope have become more humane in the last 18 years, and was very grateful for the pay package that I could send back home to my children. Within a few months of residing here, I met a man, my now lovely husband. The seasonal work changed to more permanent job roles, from shop assistants to waitressing. My mum and children joined us here and life was ticking along, I was happy. Yet, I felt there was something missing in my life, a sense of achievement perhaps or even self-actualisation.
Having turned the corner of 30, I became increasingly impatient. I knew I wanted a career but had no idea what that might be or how to get there. I am forever grateful to a friend of mine, James, who mentioned The Open University to me. There I was, September time in 2012, looking up the different degrees the OU offered, wondering which one I could do. With no social capital and no family member to ask about What? Where? How? University in a foreign country ‘works’, I signed up for a degree and was quietly chuffed with myself If only I had known a BSc (Hons) in Psychology is bloody hard work!
So, there I was, 8 years after arriving on a campsite, too shy to put two words together in English, embarking on my journey in Psychology. I read somewhere once that the journey to becoming a Psychologist should come with a warning, I think they were correct!
I started my OU Psychology Undergraduate degree in February 2013. Juggling family life, a full-time job and OU study, life became very full on. But I was having so much fun! I found it fascinating to learn about the many different theories that have tried to explain human behaviours; why some people are seemingly so much better at coping with life's adversities than others, how our perceptions and meaning making is influenced by our earlier experiences, why some develop the need to please others more than others. And who would’ve known sibling rivalry is a thing!
The first 3 years of my part-time study I kept my head down and worked hard to get good grades, something I have always felt the need to do. As I was moving closer to the ‘finish line’ as I saw it in so many ways, I started to explore what I can and cannot do with my Bachelor’s degree. To my great disappointment I learned that it did not qualify me as a Psychologist, that I could not just go and practice. Looking back, it makes me giggle how naïve I was in my thinking that I was ready to be a Psychologist at that point anyway. The more I read into what I need to do, who I needed to impress and what more I needed to learn to move towards the qualified status, I became more and more confused and disheartened. I started to question my choice of the degree from realising the journey ahead. There didn’t seem to be a straight route from A to B to becoming qualified. All the handbooks and online resources kept suggesting “a bit of this and a bit of that”. One thing that did come through was the message of importance (at least back then) to get a job as an Assistant Psychologist, if you were serious about getting onto a Doctorate, which back then I thought was the only way of becoming a ‘qualified’ Psychologist.
To better my chances of getting this dream job, I changed my bar job to working as a support worker in a residential home for people with learning disabilities. I still remember how scared I felt the first day, thinking how will I understand what they are trying to communicate if they cannot talk. I arrived at work and was shown around by this lovely man, Jason. After the tour of the grounds and introductions to some staff and some of the residents, he showed me to the staff room. I was completely stunned in amazement to then realise he was also one of the ‘residents’. Instantly, my assumptions were challenged and changed completely. This job was never a job, it felt like going to my second home. I learned so much more than a textbook could ever provide. I witnessed the unfolding of absence of the theory of mind, I learned that autistic people might not like you just because of how you smell, I learned that ‘challenging behaviour’ was just their way to communicate that something was not quite right in their world.
After two years, I felt I had to move on to gain different experiences to better my chances of pocketing the desired AP job. I worked briefly as a support worker with children from difficult backgrounds who were sent to live in a residential home for ‘naughty’ children. My heart broke every time I saw the little frightened boy who was trying his damn hardest to seem strong and scary so he wouldn’t get teased by other, often bigger boys. I did not see how I could make a difference in their lives, so I moved on. I then worked as a Recovery Support Worker in a ‘half-way’ house, helping people with their transition from a long-term psychiatric admission back into society. Funny how institutionalization for safety can make people feel completely unsafe in the world.
In the meantime, I had done more reading into different divisions of Psychology and what I would need to better my chances for further study. Yes, by then I had realised that a lot of the Psychology careers are linked with protected titles that can only be acquired through Doctorate level study. While I felt very smart and prepared with my knowledge, I also felt like the career as a Psychologist was slipping further away from me. Not having a clear goal or a plan has never sat very comfortable with me, so I devised a plan B. I signed up for a Counselling Certificate study, thinking if all else fails, I have this as a career to fall back on. I had even started to think if the degree is anything less than a 2:1, I’ll just frame it and tell my grandchildren one day how I almost became a Psychologist.
In 2018, I finally received my BSc (Hons) in Psychology. To my surprise I got a First and thought, well, I cannot just hang this on the wall, I need to do something more. So, I started to apply for Assistant Psychologist jobs, which by that time I knew from other people’s experience, was a hard task. I had my first ‘no’ within a month of first application. It did not feel good, but it was expected. November 2018, I applied for the next Assistant Psychologist role and chose to take up the offer to go for an informal ‘chat’. This ‘chat’ was the springboard for my journey as an NHS Assistant Psychologist. That was the day I met my supervisor Janine, who to this day holds a very special place in my heart as she taught me so much more than just being an AP. She taught me to have faith in myself, to believe and to remember why we do what we do. And she introduced me to the (somewhat controversial still) writings of Dr Lucy Johnstone, whose ideas and belief completely changed my understanding of mental health and ‘mental illness’.
As I could not work as an AP and continue my Counselling Diploma at the same time, I had to choose. There was no real choice as of course I would not turn down my dream job. But I did experience great difficulty in walking away from the Counselling world. There was something there that really resonated with me, while at the same time taught me to be a better human being in a room with another human being. But with a heavy heart and many tears, I left that behind me.
I loved being an Assistant Psychologist. I worked as part of the Recovery Team in a Secondary Care Mental Health Service, working with adults who experienced emotional difficulties that often caused them great distress. I also spent some time working on the Psychiatric ward and learned that I did not want to spend my career in this largely medicalised, oppressive system. I am forever grateful to my now dear friends Rachel and Demi, who showed me how things can be different on the ward with the help from Psychologists, but I am yet to find the courage to tackle the big system. Overall, as an AP, for the first time, I felt people recognised my abilities and trusted me to work with real people with real worries. Each day felt challenging but in a good way. There was always space to get involved in the many ongoing projects and I was always encouraged to push my own limits. At times too much but I survived.
Alongside this feeling of belonging, came the sense of hierarchical nature of NHS and suddenly I felt like I was back to being the one who knew very little in comparison to all the Trainees and qualified staff around me. This sense of not being enough was emphasised when I started to apply for the DClin courses. I felt somewhat pressured to want what everyone else wanted and kept applying and kept being rejected. On my third application year, I decided to apply for the Counselling Psychology Doctorate also. I would have done it sooner, but I did not realise there was a Doctorate loan, but also that I did not have to want what others wanted me to want. This people-pleasing again very present as experienced in childhood.
By the time of the third round of applications, we were in the midst of Covid-19 pandemic. I was now working as an Assistant Psychologist in an Older Adult’s Psychology team, linked with the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) and the Memory Assessment Service (MAS). I got offered an interview and subsequently a reserve space for the Leicester DClin course and at the same time, I had an offer for the Professional Doctorate in Counselling Psychology with UWE. I paused to listen to myself, detaching from the desires and wishes of others and the system. I asked myself, what are my core values? What kind of a Psychologist do I see myself as? Where do I want to be in 5 years’ time? And I remembered my broken heart when I had to walk away from my Counselling diploma study. It now felt like a full circle, like I was able to marry together the two I back then had to choose between. Within hours, my choice was made – I wanted to become a Counselling Psychologist. Don’t get me wrong, of course it would have been easier to have the tuition fees paid and the placements rolled out on a red carpet, but I was lucky to be in a position that I had the choice.
My very supportive service manager and colleagues were happy to help me along on my journey and my role evolved from an AP to a Trainee Counselling Psychologist. I am on a part-time, four-year route, and have just started my second year of study. I love my job! The job is very varied and every day I learn something new. I continue to work across the CMHT and MAS and thoroughly enjoy working with this population. The therapy sessions have a real depth of history, and the neuropsychological assessments give me that little bit of black and white in the world of grey. I feel very passionate about agism and feel committed to do my part in standing with the people whose voice is often unheard and unnoticed.
Reading a blog from a fellow Trainee Counselling Psychologist, I smiled when I saw him mention the ‘imposter syndrome’. I am yet to find out if everyone feels it or if it is very common for Psychologists and Therapists in general. This sense of being found out to not be good enough has, and I guess still does haunt me too. Every time my supervisor wants to do a joint assessment or listen to some of the session recordings, my inside shivers with dread that this is the time when they will realise, they got their choice completely wrong. But time and again, the feedback is not quite that, but instead supportive and encouraging, kind and even nurturing. And I guess this is the quality I would like to embrace more fully – to be the person who lifts other up, rather than tears them down. Echoing Jordan, a fellow trainee who also wrote a blog entry, we are all unique and our experiences matter. If we were all the same, we could not help people with all their different problems. Furthermore, if we were all perfect, we would stop being real.
Thank you Ave for your personal reflections and glimpse into your world. We wish you every success in your training and career.
We welcome all trainee - and qualified Practitioner Psychologists to write a blog entry, to share with other aspirant Psychologists the variety of experiences and choices available, when pursuing a Psychology career. Please get in touch if you would like to add your own entry.
Kind regards,
The Pathways Team.
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